Obstetrician & Gynaecologist
Volume 10, Number 3
Caroline Gallup was a guest speaker this year at British Infertility Counsellors Association Study Day, National Infertility Day, and the British Fertility Society Summer College in Liverpool.
From: Metapsychology online reviews by Minna Forsell Jul 1st 2008
(Vol 12, Issue 27)
“We’ve opened up this baby-shaped hole in our lives. We have explored what it should look like, feel like, to be parents. How do we ever close that hole again and carry on as before?” writes Caroline Gallup in the beginning of chapter 14, at the end of her book about infertility and fertility treatment. The wish to get pregnant, the pain of wanting but not succeeding, the doubts and the not knowing what is right or when to stop trying – this is what Making Babies the Hard Way is about. It is the depiction of a physical, emotional, social and economical challenge that most people never experience and few expect to face. For those for whom pregnancy isn’t easily achieved, however, a psychologically demanding process begins.
It is a personal book, describing the efforts and the personal sacrifices inherent in the struggle to have a child without being able to conceive the easy way. The story about the Gallups’ journey through fertility treatment is told mainly from Caroline’s point of view, with occasional passages written by Bruce. Friends, family, acquaintances and health care professionals are also part of the picture, painted from Caroline’s perspective. Misunderstandings between patient and doctor, the problems arising between the Gallups and their close ones, the crises in the couple’s relationship, and the importance of Caroline’s spiritual faith are all clearly illustrated throughout the text.
The narrative is easy to read. Based on diaries, it fuses the chronologically depicted practicalities of going to the doctor’s, getting reactions from family and friends, making decisions about trying sperm donation etc., with Caroline’s internal process filled with private questions directed to the self, such as “what if this doesn’t work?” “Have I the courage to stop?” Of course there are passages in the book where one has other questions than those Caroline poses, and other passages where one gets curious about how other people understand the situation. However, it is certainly one of the book’s great strengths that it is mainly Caroline’s own, uninterrupted story.
To read the book felt to me like being an outsider who is gently being allowed to partake in a private pilgrimage over rough terrain. The hardships are numerous and intense, but even when the journey seems hopeless, the spirited guidance provided by Caroline Gallup makes visible all the treasures to be experienced along the way. Sorrow, disappointment, anger and doubt is there, but so is inevitably courage, love, friendship, faith and lessons to be learnt. To feel the strength that grows between the two, their love of life and their acceptance of how it turns out for them, is uplifting. For this reason, I believe this book can doubtlessly be read as self-help literature for anyone facing infertility and treatment.
The self-help function applies not only to people directly affected by infertility, but also to their entourage. Having a friend in the same situation as Caroline Gallup while reading Making Babies the Hard Way, I found the book to be a comfort and a source of courage. It is not uncommon that people in the Gallups’ situation, for different reasons, do not want to talk about what they are going through. As a friend, to be left on the outside of this process can leave you feeling shut out and without the possibility to give support, and even if you are trusted with your friends’ story, you may not be sure how to give support in a way that is helpful. Making Babies the Hard Way gave me useful insights about the feelings, questions and states of mind that couples in the Gallups’ situation may experience. I thank Caroline Gallup for that.
Minna Forsell is a psychologist, recently graduated from the University of Stockholm. She currently works in a psychiatric health care centre in Volda, Western Norway.
From: The Surgeon – Journal of the Royal Colleges of Surgeons of Edinburgh and Ireland.
August 2008 (Volume 6 No 4)
When I was sent this book to review I was not looking forward to wading through it. I thought I would need to dip in and out of it to get a flavour in order to review it. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the way the text engaged me. I read the whole book in three sittings.
It is honest and revealing. It is not written in a way that makes you feel the author is looking for your sympathy. However, the journey the couple go through is harrowing. It certainly makes you think that any couple intending to consider artificial conception need to be committed to each other and the process. Although it may sound like I am trivialising the book (and I know it was not written with such intentions) it is a real page-turner. This is a tribute to the writing, which engages the reader at an emotional level without being ‘soppy’.
It is a must-read for all involved in managing infertility patients. It might also help prospective couples before they embark on artificial conception. It may put some off, but it would ensure informed consent for the process.
Although it is written by a woman, her male partner contributes his thoughts from time to time. More input from him would have been interesting.
The ‘things not to say to an infertile couple’ section is very enlightening. These things are often said with the best of intentions, though they do not help. Reading the book as a health professional involved in infertility treatment I get the message that honesty and sympathy with the couple are important. It is best to get them to face their problems head on rather than build up any false hopes.
In summary it is a very well-written book that is easy to read and is highly recommended for anyone involved in either giving or receiving infertility treatment.
Derek J Byrne, Ninewells Hospital, Dundee.
Making Babies the Hard Way was Highly Commended in the 2008 BMA Medical Book Competition.
Reviewed by "Health Matters"
From the start of this book, the first chapter was gripping because the story was so personalised and written in a heartfelt and honest manner. As infertility is such a sensitive and often private subject, the approach taken by the author is refreshing. The book takes the reader on the complex journey of discovering infertility, attempts to solve this via treatment and the complexity of decisions that arise from the experience. Some pertinent ethical questions arise and provide much food for thought. Thus, this book provides a different dimension for readers when compared to the often technical descriptions of infertility found within other texts.
So the book is more readable than many others and, more fundamentally, the author adds the important component of emotion by discussing the personal psychological impact of infertility. The grieving process associated with discovering infertility is clearly set out. The general attitudes of others are also a clear undercurrent throughout the text. For example, the image of a perfect life for heterosexual couples is one that involves children, irrespective of how good their relationship may or may not be. And there is often the widespread assumption that infertility is a woman's problem. This book is therefore important as it also examines male infertility. But the book is still written by a woman, with small male interjections, so male infertility is described mainly from a female viewpoint. Since it is the female author who experiences most in terms of infertility treatment, this seems fair enough.
The book does not offer the reader a happy ending. The couple do not have the baby that they clearly want so strongly. So the book is honest not only about the trials with infertility, and the problems that come with undergoing treatment, but also the unhappy outcome too. The book ends with statistics which show that this is the case for very many couples undergoing treatment, so ending on a cautionary note for those who would like to believe that infertility treatment is a magic bullet.
Reviewed by Donor Conception Network - www.donor-conception-network.org
This is the story of Caroline and Bruce who discover quite early on in their quest to have a child that Bruce does not appear to be producing sperm. With refreshing candour, humour and eye for detail Caroline, with interjections from Bruce, describes the clinic visits, tests and the endless waiting and worrying that will be familiar to anyone who has struggled to start a family. Sperm donation turns out to be the only way that they might achieve a pregnancy. One of the very special features of this story are the insights inot how Caroline and Bruce, mirroring many other couples, approach and deal very differently with the emotions and practicalities of diagnosis and fertility treatment. Bruce does not understand why Caroline finds talking to a counsellor the most natural thing to do, Caroline cannot understand Bruce's very practical attitude to sperm donation, but they both find having to choose a donor a very weird process. Their attempt to turn a clinic insemination into a romantic occasion is of course doomed to failure!
This book is compulsive reading. Over a weekend I could hardly put it down, but in the end I couldn't help wondering exactly who I would recommend to read it. Maybe this is because Caroline and Bruce finally decide to abandon fertility treatment because the financial and emotional strains and stresses affecting every part of their lives prove too much. This could be dispiriting for those still struggling through or too much information for those at the beginning of their journey. Yet, when and how to stop treatment remains one of the big, largely un-talked about, issues in fertility treatment.
Despite these reservations, which should perhaps serve as a warning to those who like traditional happy endings, I would recommend this book wholeheartedly to anyone going through fertility treatment just for the true to life detail, the humour and the raw reality of the feelings...and DCN gets a great write up as well!
Review in Healthcare Counselling and Psychotherapy Journal - January 2008. Vol 8, No.1
This is a lovely, warm and highly readable book. It is a personal account of one couple's emotional and practical journey from the discovery of male factor infertility, through fertility tests and treatments to the final painful decision to stop trying to conceive with the help of donor sperm. This book differs from any of the other books I have encountered about personal experiences of infertility and its treatment in several ways. First, because it features a man with fertility difficulties and Caroline's husband Bruce comments and contributes throughout in bold. Secondly, Caroline's candour, humour and insight offer a view of the practical procedures and emotional processes at work for a couple grappling with what this all means for their relationship and the future, that is rarely visible to outsiders. It also takes place in a UK context that will feel only too familiar to anyone who has experienced the pressures of tests, the endless waiting and impact of vast amounts of money disappearing into what feels like a black hole. For these very reasons it should be required reading for all those who work in fertility clinics or indeed anyone who is likely to come into contact with couples with fertility problems.
Making the decision to end fertility treatment is one of the biggest, yet mostly un-talked about issues, in the fertility world. Caroline and Bruce show us that this can be a choice that is sad, but not tragic, and that their intact love for each other is, more important than anything else. This book is all the stronger and more worthwhile for not having a traditional happy ending. Highly recommended for couples going through fertility treatment and those who have their well-being in mind.
Olivia Montuschi. Counsellor, mother to two donor conceived young adults. Founding member of Donor Conception Network.
Review in BICA Journal of Fertility Counselling. Winter 2007. Vol 14, No. 3.
I am really pleased I chose this book to review. From the moment I started it I found myself drawn into the world of Caroline and Bruce's own personal journey through their fertility treatment. We are all aware that the process of fertility is often described as a roller coaster ride and with this book you can experience this from the point of view of the couple, joining them through the ups, the downs and the plateaus. The main theme for the book seems to be how the couple dealt with their issues from diagnosis and beyond.
Early in the book Caroline reflects on the diagnosis which they received from their GP in a very unsympathetic manner, sharing their feelings as they were told such life-altering information. Finding out that their fertility issues were due to male factor is especially interesting, as it is possibly one the of least discussed issues in infertility. Bruce's input throughout the book is particularly insightful as he expresses some of the thoughts and feelings which were reeling around inside his head. It is a very honest and down to earth recount of the journey for him, and although there are only small snippets of this, they do seem to be very profound.
In a wonderfully written section Caroline describes how they fell for each other, how meeting Bruce had given her "an extraordinary feeling of coming home, I felt excited and light headed". Caroline also gave us an insight into Buddhism and the importance this plays in her life. It is a frank and informative story of visits to their GP, nurses; more doctors, more tests and intimate examinations. Caroline tells us of the pressures that go hand in hand with all of the issues connected with fertility, family and relationships. She explains beautifully her concerns around wanting to fill her mother's life with grandchildre, "to make amends somehow for her unfulfilled dreams". The process of fertility is explained in a way that is very easy to follow, using the language of patients, not the medical fraternity, which is refreshing for the reader. I found myself picking the book up at every opportunity with a sense of wanting to rush through it to find out what was going to happen next, which for me parallels the way that couples often find themselves rushing from appointment to test and on to the next appointment; all the time hoping, waiting looking for an outcome or an answer. I too wanted to get to the end and find out the outcome.
Caroline recounts to us how she became a researcher late into the night looking into male infertility searching for answers, not always liking what she found. She also tells us about finding the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority's website which her urologists had recommended, using their search engine to find clinics specialising in DI and ICSI.
It was particularly interesting to read about their implications counselling session around using donor sperm and the effect that this had on both of them. In the session they were offered a safe space to reflect, discuss and explore issues in their own time and way. In fact, this is when Caroline acknowledged later that her grieving process had begun.
Caroline also accesses therapeutic counselling which helped her gain some clarity around her relationship. She was able to explore the differences between her own and Bruce's responses and make some sense of her struggle to deal with the treatment, her feelings of anger, fear and despair. Caroline acknowledges that it was good to speak to someone sensitive and understanding.
During all this, Caroline and Bruce decide to marry; Caroline thought that this would be the perfect way to prove to Bruce that she really loved him. It would also prove a wonderful distraction, giving her something positive to focus on for a while.
There is a section of "Things not to say to an infertile couple" in which Caroline discusses one of the most difficult parts of the process for her: dealing with insensitive comments and enquires. This is closely followed by some of the more positive things as well although I noted that there were significantly less of these.
"I don' t mind what we do, as long as we decide something". Caroline digs deep within herself questioning which way to turn. Carrying on with treatment fills her with dread but she does not want to be left with regrets; she want to make the right decision but no longer knows what this is. Caroline talks about her life and what she wants for it; looking back into her past after another session with the counsellor once again brings some clarity and relief.
Useful information helpful for couples going through fertility treatment is provided at the back of the book and there are also some useful addresses. I was very happy to see BICA in amongst them. Overall I would be pleased to recommend this book for its description of some of the reasons that drive many couples on their journey through fertility treatment, not only to counsellors, but to patients and members of the medical profession working within the infertility sector.
Janet Owen is a counsellor working in two fertility practices in the North East of England.
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